Sublime Nonsense

A very special guest star in joins the cast!

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(Three words that make me laugh considering this week's topic)

Wheel of Reviews: Advertising

It doesn't have to be a billboard in the heart of Time Square or a commercial during the Super Bowl. Sometimes a great idea can be a light switch cover sent to doctors.

2 Eggs with a Generous Side Order of Jesus.

I was eating breakfast in a tiny little out-of-the-way diner near the North Carolina-South Carolina border when I noticed the poem in the middle of my place mat.

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Now, I've always been a firm believer in the separation of church and state, but when you get such a profound message from a piece of paper designed to blot pig fat, it makes you really think. Then again, I'm a Jew. And I was eating bacon AND sausage as I read the poem, so I'm pretty much in the E-Z Pass lane to hell anyway. So, place mat people, stop preaching to me in a fucking diner. Keep your religious soap box out of my eggs over easy. The only "Lamb of God" I want to see in a diner is a kick-ass souvlaki.

Making your "O Face."

Anyone who works at McCann is familiar with the name Cafe'O.



Cafe'O is the deli in the lobby of our building here at 622 Third. A combination of nuvo-chic decor and tastes that should be reserved for only the most refined palates, Cafe'O is an emporium of the delectable. Well, maybe that's an exaggeration. In truth, it's more like "an emporium of the place you only go when you're too lazy to think about it or the weather blows."

The one consistent problem I seem to find with Cafe'O is their seeming inability to master the fine art of giving you what you asked for. Honestly, I've driven up to 1970's-era drive thru windows with more confidence that my order was being comprehended correctly.


My favorite example was a few weeks back when I ordered a Philly Cheese Steak Wrap and got something with chicken, balsamic vinegar and artichokes. Sweet Christ on a cracker, how do you mess up that wildly? The sweetest irony is that when you visit their website, this is one of the first things you see on screen:


What I want is to be able to return to my desk and open my breakfast/lunch without the trepidation of a bomb squad member deciding between red wire and blue wire. ("C'mon egg whites, come on whites...open the wrap slowly...slowly...holy crap, is that tuna fi––BOOOOOMM!!!!!")

So, in an effort to mitigate my frustration with some fun, I've invented a new game called "O Darts." Simply print out this bullseye and hang it on your wall. Then, before visiting Cafe'O, throw a dart (or suitable substitute projectile) at it in an effort to predict how accurate your order will be. A color-coded key is included for easy reference.

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This morning, they were clearly in the yellow, adding cheese to an otherwise spot-on order. So, if you do choose to dine at perhaps the finest eatery in our building (it's pretty close, as the newsstand makes a mean Bit O'Honey and a solid Twizzlers), why not enjoy a game of chance. After all, isn't that what you're really doing just by eating there?

Sublime Nonsense

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That's right. Another Nadya Suleman joke. "Comedy gold, Jerry, comedy gold!"

Q: What's wrong with this video?

A: Everything. Absolutely everything.

Apparently, her Kryptonite is...Penis.

And now, the further adventures of...(bum bum buh) OCTOMOM!

Seriously, I have no snarky comment for this one. She's just fucking creepy.

Me Retouch You Long Time - Part 2

After the success of the original four posters, I received a request to give "Varsity Blues" a try. How could I resist? I love that cheesy flick! It combines the Dawson's Creek douche, the guy from The Fast and the Furious, the super cute Amy Smart, Angelina Jolie's dad and James Caan's son with a fat guy, high school football and the annoying blond from Heroes in a whipped cream bikini. That's Hollywood gold, people!

For this fairly involved retouching masterpiece, I wanted to step back and take a look at exactly what went into the job.


First, let's take a quick look at some of the superficial changes other than the actors. My personal favorite small touch was changing James Van Der Beek's name to Josh Van Der Lite. I may have to call Josh by that name forever now. I also had fun changing all the team blue into maroon. Of all the things that are easy to do with Photoshop, that isn't one of them. It's tricky, annoying and imprecise. If you look closely, you can see it's pretty sloppy in a few places. But, once I was able to do that, it made perfect sense to change the movie's title. I even found the exact typeface they used so I was able to easily replicate it.

Now, on to the stars of the show.


I thought choosing a new Van der Beek would be tough, but it wasn't. Josh hadn't been in any previous posters, and who else would look that awesome suddenly sporting that ridiculous hair. I needed to find a shot of Josh facing straight ahead, with a small grin. Thankfully, Joe takes so many bar pictures after the games, I was able to find the perfect one easily.


Choosing a replacement for Amy Smart was easy too. Emily had specifically requested being in this poster because she loves the movie, and she photographs really well. Now I just needed the right photo. I had a lot of pics to choose from, but to match the angle of the head and the eyes, I actually had to find the right picture and flip it horizontally. I also decided to keep the original hair because Emily's actual hair didn't match up. Plus, hair is just a real bitch to clip in Photoshop. Ultimately, the retouched looks of Josh and Emily really work, which makes the whole poster feel right.


Replacing Paul Walker was another fairly easy call. I remembered seeing a photo of Sam on Facebook where was flashing his "I may be a Jew from Florida, but I'm tough" look, which I always like. And Walker's look reminded me of it very much. I barely had to change anything after that. The hat fit right on top and we were good to go.


When I needed to find a new "Billy Bob," I immediately thought of Joe. There's just something inherently funny about taking a guy who's all jacked up and in great shape and making him a big fatty. A little stretching of the face and smudging of the chin, and presto...Joe gains 200 pounds.


Ali Larter's new look was a tougher choice. Since she's small and in the back, it would be hard to recognize her replacement. So I looked back at all the other work and realized I hadn't put Amy in anything yet. And since she has a big smile, she was perfect for the back row because she'd stand out anyway. I still find it funny, though, that I can do all this wild retouching, yet I can't remove the red-eye from these shots. Nice.


Once again, choosing a teammate to put in for Tweeder was a slam dunk. Troy is the closest thing our team has to a cowboy already, so he fit pretty naturally under the black hat. Hell, he even told me he wanted to be Tweeder, so I obliged. I had a little trouble making his head look right on Scott Caan's neck, but I did the best I could. It works, but it's one of the few paces I wish I could have done better. Yee-hah!


Now, I know what you're gonna say. Friday is the only African-American guy on the team this season, so he was my only choice for Wendel. Well, yeah, I guess that's true. I considered turning Cohen into a black dude, but my skills aren't that good and I knew it would backfire. Plus, Cohen was only at one game this season, so screw him. Now the tricky part was finding a brooding shot of Friday. The damn guy smiles too much. Every photo looked like it was Christmas morning at the Mathews house. Luckily, I found one random photo where he was looking away and probably didn't even know he was being photographed. Bingo. And the fact that the top of his head was cropped off didn't matter, because Wendel wears a baseball cap. That made everything much easier.

So, there you have it...a guided tour through the way I killed the last 2 hours of my day on Wednesday.

Charlie Tweeder: Hey you wanna see the new Tweeder end zone dance?
[Tweeder dances]
Charlie Tweeder: You know what it's called?
Mox: What?
Charlie Tweeder: The new Tweeder end zone dance.

Me Retouch You Long Time.

Some of you may know that I play on a touch football team (elegantly named "Me Touch You Longer Time") with some friends and co-workers. One of our players, Meghan, has been out for most of the year with a broken collarbone suffered in our first game. When someone suggested that she bring a poster to root us on in this weekend's playoff games, my desire to show off my amateur Photoshop skills went into overdrive. If only our team color this season wasn't burgundy/maroon. Oh well.

Here are the posters I came up with.

Movie: Brian's Song
MTYLT Version: Belmore's Song


QB Chris Belmore and WR Friday Mathews, Jr. step in for James Caan and Billy Dee Williams in this tear-jerker about life, death, friendship, bad 70's haaircuts and beer pong.

Movie: Rudy
MTYLT Version: Beefy


Muscle-bound TE Joe Rockhill steps into the famous shoes of Sean Astin as the kid no one ever gave a chance. Joe defies the naysayers, defies the odds, and defies good fashion sense by wearing ugly socks. Oh, and he loves the nick name "Beefy."

Movie: Invincible
MTYLT Version: Invincible


Honestly, there's no way that Mark Wahlberg is more invincible than our own Meghan Norris. Marky Mark doesn't have 8 screws in his left shoulder. That's what makes this the feel-good story of the year. Well, everything is a feel-good story after 4 percocet.

Movie: Any Given Sunday
MTYLT Version: Any Given Sunday (or Saturday)


An ensemble cast of Al Pacino, Cameron Diaz, Dennis Quaid, LL Cool J, Jamie Foxx and James Woods gets benched in favor of Michael Tsang, Rachel Krouse, Chris Belmore, Troy Bell, Larry Kirschner and Thom Chorlton. Can an old school nutbar like Tsang use his handsome smile to convince these guys to leave it all on the field? Or at least convince someone to hang out and ref the second game?

Stuff like this is a lot of fun. And it's easy. All you need is access to movie posters from the Internet, photos of your friends stolen from Facebook, and the ability to completely disregard doing actual work for an entire day. Enjoy!

The Legend Lives - Breaking News!

After rumors circulated yesterday that the original Captain America, Steve Rogers, was alive and well and shooting TV commercials, a loyal TML reader snuck onto a set and shot this photo. Both Marvel Comics and Biscuit Films refused to comment.


The Missing Link will have more on this story as it develops.

The Legend Lives!

Anyone who pays attention to the comic book industry, even in passing, knows that Captain America (Steve Rogers) was shot dead in 2007.


Some think he's still alive. Some say it was a clone or a Skrull or a robot that was shot. Some say he's living anonymously, or is being held in stasis, or even has amnesia. But now the truth can be told.


He's working as a hack TV commercial director.

I'll take illegal substances for $600, Alex.

I've heard/used some fun nicknames for Alex Rodriguez over the years (A-Fraud, Double Play-Rod) because I've considered him a douche for quite some time. But now, with the positive steroid test, I'm gonna need some new material.

10. Anabolic-Rod
9. Fake-Bod
8. A-Shot
7. Alexander the Fake
6. The Unnatural
5. The Guy Who Goes to Sleep Every Night Clutching his Kaballah and Syringe While Openly Weeping into a Derek Jeter Rookie Card
4. The Great Scambino
3. Roid Hobbs
2. The Jealous Juicer

And the #1 new nickname for Alex Rodriguez... (drumroll)

1. Needle in My A-Rod

Every Hero Needs a Nemesis.

On Friday, the New York Post introduced us to (bum bum bahhhh!) Octomom. Then Saturday came, and they introduced her arch-enemy.


"Oh no, Mental Illness is attacking Congress! I'll stop him! Placenta Powers, activate!"

Worst Superhero Ever

Have no fear, my enormous uterus will save you!

Kickin' it Old School

Every now and then I like to go back to old ads that I used to keep in my portfolio, dust them off and decide if I still like them. As a rule, I find it very hard to judge my own work.

In this trip down memory lane, we'll revisit Wendelstedt School for Umpires and Green Field Churrascaria.




To tell the truth, the umpire school ad is actually the very first ad I ever wrote that I liked enough to put in my portfolio. I came up with the idea back in the late 1990's while first starting to build my book through classes at SVA. This wasn't an assignment, but I liked it better than anything I was doing in class. There were others in the campaign too, but this one always had a place in my heart. I don't know if I took it out of my book because it was not as good as I remember, or if I'd simply tired of it after a decade or so.

The Green Fields ad were a classic case of picking a product you know and love and writing for it. The place is closed now, but I had an annual dinner there with friends for years. Meat, meat and more meat! The ads always make me laugh, I just never can decide if they actually sell the restaurant and make you want to go there. (Someone once told me ads are actually supposed to work from time to time.)

Anyway, I'm sure there'll be more nostalgia/self-flagellation in the future. As always, comments are welcome.

Sublime Nonsense

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Tootsie Pops: Part Deux

Following up on an earlier post covering Mr. Owl and his famous Tootsie Pop commercial, I stumbled across this "Soup to Nutz" comic strip in today's paper.


So I began to suspect there was more to this story than I had ever realized. Some in-depth research lead me to discover this:


Well, THAT certainly explains a lot. I now also understand why they found 32,000 Tootsie Pops in Dick Cheney's desk after he left office.

What you won't see here.

As TML begins to grow (our readership is up to around 3 now!), I've decided to declare some words and phrases off limits within the confines of this blog.

"bandwidth" - T1 lines have bandwidth, people don't. The next person that says something like "I don't know if I have the bandwidth to handle that project" will be featured in my next new blog feature: People Who's Phone I Secretly Dipped in a McCann Urinal.

"TGIF" - I love the weekend. I love when it's the end of the work week. And I used to happily say "TGIF" along with everyone else. Then Guy Fieri started doing Friday's commercials, and thinking of him makes me incontinent. I don't know why, but he's irksome. Thus dies "TGIF."

Repeating the last word in an acronym - Oh sweet holy hell how I hate this. If you use an acronym, you don't need to use any of the words from it also. It defeats the purpose. Listen up people, you DID NOT 'go to the ATM machine' on your lunch hour, you went to the ATM. And now it's invading advertising too. Oreo's "Double Stuff Racing League (D.S.R.L.)" campaign is retarded. And I don't just mean that as a generic derogatory term. I mean the campaign may very well have been conceived by kids who eat their belly button lint and have to use safety scissors. (NOTE: Peyton Manning, however, is funny as always.) But in a recent radio commercial, ESPN personality Mike Greenberg actually says you can join "the D.S.R.L. League" for yourself. Hearing this feels like a paper cut on my brain.

These terms are officially banned from The Missing LiNK. A cease and desist has been issued, and violators will be punished. That is all.

Haiku Spoiler Alert!

I have no idea why this came to me this morning, but I was thinking it would be fun to ruin great surprises in movie history...in Haiku.

4 words changed it all.
Luke freaked out when Vader said,
"I am your father!"

Everybody knows
that the first rule of Fight Club
is Tyler aint real.

"I see dead people."
I also see Bruce Willis.
Ergo, he's dead too.

M. Night. Shymalan
copped out with aliens that
weren't waterproof.

In Unbreakable
lots of real bad shit happens
due to Mr. Glass.

Verbal is a gimp.
Which is why you'd never guess
he's Keyser Söze.

Is Citizen Kane
the best ever? Dunno, but
Rosebud is a sled.

At The Crying Game,
many could be heard screaming,
"That chick has a dick!"

Seriously, CNN?

Nothing says "rich white guys and their economic foibles" more than a caption that's a twist on urban street language. Word to your rich white mothers!

Wheel of Reviews: Sports - The Super Bowl

Normally I'd review that actual game in this space, but since most of the world watched it and most of the world's media has dissected it, it would be redundant. Great game, Steelers have 6 rings, Big Ben is The Man, Larry Fitzgerald is a freak, and Mike Tomlin is secretly Omar Epps. We know all this.



Instead, I'm going to give you a behind-the-scenes look at the emotional ups and downs of the game from the perspective of someone who had very little interest other than some box pools and a few, um, 'friendly wagers.'

So you can follow along, I had two friendly wagers placed: I had 50 units to win 40 with Arizona +17 and the total score falling between 36 and 56 points. I also had 50 units to win 130 on Arizona +7 and under 46. Also important in this story, I had a box with Arizona 7, Pittsburgh 4 and a box with Pittsburgh 7, Arizona 3.

Q1, 10:00 - Arizona stops Big Ben at the 1-foot line. Pittsburgh opts for the field goal. Larry feels joy because fewer points on the drive keeps the under in better shape. Happiness!

Q1, 0:00 - Arizona plays solid defense, but is unable to put up even a FG, so the quarter ends 7 - 0. Larry feels disappointment because he has 7/3 and would have pulled in $100 if the Steeler D wasn't so damn good. Disappointment!

Q2, 14:09 - Gary Russell becomes the latest anonymous scrub to write his name in the history books. Larry frets over the Cards' sudden 10 point deficit. Melancholy!

Q2 8:43 - Ben Patrick is our second TD-scoring scrub of the night, and it brings AZ within 3. Larry feels relief because the margin is within reason and the overall scoring pace is good. Optimism!

Q2,0:00 - WTF! Larry nearly barfs out his two slices of sausage pizza as James Harrison turns into Tony Dorsett and weaves 100 yards with no time left. Arizona was about to tie or take the lead, but instead, people with 7/7 in box pools piss themselves nationwide. And now Larry feels like he got punched in the nards with Pitt back up by 10. Nausea!

Halftime: Bruce Disappoints.

Q3, 2:45 - Pitt is knocking on the door, and a TD would put Larry in position to hit a 3rd quarter box for $275. Larry whines as Arizona toughens up and forces a FG attempt. Dejection!

Q3, 2:46 - Larry decides to pray for a miracle and starts cheering "Rough the kicker! Rough the kicker!" Amazingly, a Cardinal player turns the holder into roadkill and a personal foul call gives the Steelers first and goal. Larry feels his prayers were answered with another shot at 7 more Steeler 3rd quarter points. Elation!

Q3, 2:16 - Arizona somehow makes another goal line stand, and Larry sees $275 disappear like Natalie Holloway. And a 20 - 7 Pittsburgh lead puts all my friendly wagers in serious danger. Frustration!

Q4, 7:41 - 1 yard fade to Larry Fitzgerald. He is a god. And his first name is pretty hot. Larry rejoices at the lead being reduced 6. All wagers live again! Cheeriness!

Q4, 3:04 - Holding in the end zone for a safety. 20 - 16. Larry loves the 4 point margin with AZ getting the ball. Any score by AZ makes both friendly wagers live and puts $180 in play. Hand pain from many high fives!

Q4, 2:47 - Warner 64 yards to Fitz for a TD. All hail King Larry (both of them). Arizona leads 23 - 20. Larry wants the game to end right here, with $180 in his pocket. Positive JuJu!

Q4, 0:55 - Roethlisberger to Holmes for a big gain. As Holmes runs down the sideline, Larry realizes that a Pittsburgh TD would be a $500 final score. Excitement!

Q4, 0:50 - Holmes is tackled at the 6. Larry confirms that a FG tying the score at 23-23 would bone the parlay and the box pool. Visions of either $500 or $180 profits turning into a $10 loss bring the nausea back. Perfect time to have a cold, 4-hour old slice of pepperoni pizza. Acid Reflux!

Q4, 0:42 - Santonio Holmes makes one of the most ridiculous catches in the history of the game. He just out-Fitzgeralded Fitzgerald. Larry has never prayed for an extra point so hard in his life. With under a minute to play, Larry nervously makes one of his friends look at his pool sheet to confirm the 7/3 box, since the indigestion and nerves makes it more likely he'll be dabbing puke off his lips with the sheet than reading it correctly. Confirmation is given. Flop Sweats!

Q4, 0:00 - The Steelers recover a Warner fumble and kneel out the clock. Larry's teaser hits for $40 but his parlay loses $50. A net $10 loss. None of that matters much as Larry confirms his $500 box one last time with another friend, then does an awful white man's cabbage patch and resists the temptation to start singing "We going Sizzler, we going Sizzler!" It's sad for the Cards, but it was a great game and a very enjoyable 27 - 23 final. Tingly Nether Regions!





And THAT'S how you turn a game in which you have very little rooting interest into an exciting event! Cha-mother-effing-ching!

...baby we were born to suck?

Okay, so I love me some Bruce. Best live show I've ever seen (or in top 2) was Bruce in NJ. And he did put on a fun live show yesterday. But for the most part, I was not impressed. Doing a song off the new album that no one knew was stupid, since no one can sing along to something they haven't really heard before. If you have the crowd eating out of your hand with "Born To Run," it seems beneath you to immediately shill with the next song. Think about that the next time you get all socially aware and write a new Amadou Diallo song, Brucie.

That said, My predictions were sorta close. I knew he'd open with an upbeat sing-along from his older stuff, I just went Hungry Heart over 10th Avenue Freeze Out. Honestly, good call. He didn't exactly sing it well, but a solid start and a good one for Bruce fans. Going with Born to Run next is something I should have guessed. Glory Days is such a "sports anthem" song, I should have known he'd close with it. So flip BTR and GD and I had those right. And then I called the sell out moment with the new tune.

Basically, I'm a bigger fan of Bruce than I am of Prince or Tom Petty, but both those guys were way better the last two years. In fact, Prince was flat out exceptional in the rain in '07. The bottom line is that the only Boss that really delivered last night was Michael Scott.

Tramps like us...

Okay, so I've been thinking all day about what songs Bruce will play at halftime tomorrow. I think he probably has time for about 4 or 5 songs, so I predict something along the lines of:

Open with HUNGRY HEART
Then GLORY DAYS
Something from the new album I've never heard
Maybe BORN IN THE USA (I hope not) or ROSALITA (I hope so)
Close with BORN TO RUN

If he only does 4, then I'd lose that second to last one.

That's my guesses. I'll check back after the game to see how I did.