So what sort of random shit goes through my head when I've been drinking all night and I'm half awake/half asleep on the 10:52 train home? Well, the first thought is usually "please make that fat guy yelling into his phone shut the fuck up," but last night, it was also this...
When parents want their kids to eat their veggies, why do they still say "eat your spinach so you can grow up strong like Popeye?" Popeye? Really? This is what passes for a role model? Think about it, Popeye is a pipe-smoking, one-eyed sailor with tattoos. Is that what we want for our children? And I'm pretty sure that whatever he's putting in that pipe ain't tobacco. He mutters to himself constantly, has a serious speech impediment and often talks to "Eugene the Magical Jeep" who just pops up out of thin air. I usually see that from the guys hanging out in front of the meth clinic.
Also, no human being has arms like that naturally. If Popeye is clean, then Barry Bonds' head grew naturally and Mark McGwire was taking nothing but Flintstone's chewables. C'mon, Popeye had misshapen forearms, no hair and was prone to fits of rage. How much more evidence do we need?
And lastly, I think it's safe to say that substance abuse aside, the dude was just plain shady. His only friend is an unemployed deadbeat grifting hamburgers off of unsuspecting Samaritans. He also had no problem hitting a woman like The Sea Hag or Alice the Goon. And lastly, I'm pretty sure the guy was into incest. Seriously, how many guys do you know who have identical triplet nephews that all look exactly like him? Creepy.
So, the next time you need to use a hero to encourage kids to eat their vegetables, try reminding them that Nathan Hale loved brussell sprouts.
