Instead, I'm going to give you a behind-the-scenes look at the emotional ups and downs of the game from the perspective of someone who had very little interest other than some box pools and a few, um, 'friendly wagers.'
So you can follow along, I had two friendly wagers placed: I had 50 units to win 40 with Arizona +17 and the total score falling between 36 and 56 points. I also had 50 units to win 130 on Arizona +7 and under 46. Also important in this story, I had a box with Arizona 7, Pittsburgh 4 and a box with Pittsburgh 7, Arizona 3.
Q1, 10:00 - Arizona stops Big Ben at the 1-foot line. Pittsburgh opts for the field goal. Larry feels joy because fewer points on the drive keeps the under in better shape. Happiness!
Q1, 0:00 - Arizona plays solid defense, but is unable to put up even a FG, so the quarter ends 7 - 0. Larry feels disappointment because he has 7/3 and would have pulled in $100 if the Steeler D wasn't so damn good. Disappointment!
Q2, 14:09 - Gary Russell becomes the latest anonymous scrub to write his name in the history books. Larry frets over the Cards' sudden 10 point deficit. Melancholy!
Q2 8:43 - Ben Patrick is our second TD-scoring scrub of the night, and it brings AZ within 3. Larry feels relief because the margin is within reason and the overall scoring pace is good. Optimism!
Q2,0:00 - WTF! Larry nearly barfs out his two slices of sausage pizza as James Harrison turns into Tony Dorsett and weaves 100 yards with no time left. Arizona was about to tie or take the lead, but instead, people with 7/7 in box pools piss themselves nationwide. And now Larry feels like he got punched in the nards with Pitt back up by 10. Nausea!
Halftime: Bruce Disappoints.
Q3, 2:45 - Pitt is knocking on the door, and a TD would put Larry in position to hit a 3rd quarter box for $275. Larry whines as Arizona toughens up and forces a FG attempt. Dejection!
Q3, 2:46 - Larry decides to pray for a miracle and starts cheering "Rough the kicker! Rough the kicker!" Amazingly, a Cardinal player turns the holder into roadkill and a personal foul call gives the Steelers first and goal. Larry feels his prayers were answered with another shot at 7 more Steeler 3rd quarter points. Elation!
Q3, 2:16 - Arizona somehow makes another goal line stand, and Larry sees $275 disappear like Natalie Holloway. And a 20 - 7 Pittsburgh lead puts all my friendly wagers in serious danger. Frustration!
Q4, 7:41 - 1 yard fade to Larry Fitzgerald. He is a god. And his first name is pretty hot. Larry rejoices at the lead being reduced 6. All wagers live again! Cheeriness!
Q4, 3:04 - Holding in the end zone for a safety. 20 - 16. Larry loves the 4 point margin with AZ getting the ball. Any score by AZ makes both friendly wagers live and puts $180 in play. Hand pain from many high fives!
Q4, 2:47 - Warner 64 yards to Fitz for a TD. All hail King Larry (both of them). Arizona leads 23 - 20. Larry wants the game to end right here, with $180 in his pocket. Positive JuJu!
Q4, 0:55 - Roethlisberger to Holmes for a big gain. As Holmes runs down the sideline, Larry realizes that a Pittsburgh TD would be a $500 final score. Excitement!
Q4, 0:50 - Holmes is tackled at the 6. Larry confirms that a FG tying the score at 23-23 would bone the parlay and the box pool. Visions of either $500 or $180 profits turning into a $10 loss bring the nausea back. Perfect time to have a cold, 4-hour old slice of pepperoni pizza. Acid Reflux!
Q4, 0:42 - Santonio Holmes makes one of the most ridiculous catches in the history of the game. He just out-Fitzgeralded Fitzgerald. Larry has never prayed for an extra point so hard in his life. With under a minute to play, Larry nervously makes one of his friends look at his pool sheet to confirm the 7/3 box, since the indigestion and nerves makes it more likely he'll be dabbing puke off his lips with the sheet than reading it correctly. Confirmation is given. Flop Sweats!
Q4, 0:00 - The Steelers recover a Warner fumble and kneel out the clock. Larry's teaser hits for $40 but his parlay loses $50. A net $10 loss. None of that matters much as Larry confirms his $500 box one last time with another friend, then does an awful white man's cabbage patch and resists the temptation to start singing "We going Sizzler, we going Sizzler!" It's sad for the Cards, but it was a great game and a very enjoyable 27 - 23 final. Tingly Nether Regions!
And THAT'S how you turn a game in which you have very little rooting interest into an exciting event! Cha-mother-effing-ching!
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