I started by picking a pool of the 8 most deserving competitors. Just missing the cut were Larry King (banned for performance enhancers), King Kong (he's died the same way at least 3 times..stupid monkey) and former New York Knick Bernard King (tube socks worn to the knee disturb me). So let's take a look at who did make the bracket...
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In round one, the top seed Dr. Martin Luther King faces off against eighth seeded wrestling personality Jerry "The King" Lawler. Lawler put up a tough fight, as you'd expect from a rassler, but he tried to sucker punch Dr. King the same way he sucker punched Andy Kaufman years ago. Having seen "Man on The Moon," Dr. King was ready for it, and from that point on it was your typical 1 vs. 8 blowout. And for anyone who says "but Dr. King died long before that movie came out!," maybe you should be reading a different blog. WINNER: MLK
4 vs. 5 contests are always tough to call because the sides are so evenly matched. In this case, the creative razzle-dazzle of glorified con artist Don King was locked in an intense battle with the plucky, lesbian-way-before-it-was-fashionable grace of Billy Jean King. It could have gone either way, but in the end I looked a their pictures and decided they were both so fucking scary-looking that they had to go. WINNER: NONE (both eliminated)
In the 3 vs. 6 matchup, two foes from the food and beverage arena squared off. Both are tasty, both have numerous locations with huge menus, and both can lead to ample time in the loo. In the end, it came down to who had the bigger, scarier dude with a giant expressionless head. WINNER: BK
The 2 vs. 7 game pitted the man known simply as "The King" against relative newcomer, actress/model/hottie Jamie King. Early on, young Elvis had this one well in hand. Then old Elvis arrived, put on a powder blue jumpsuit, took half a bottle of pills, forgot the lyrics to "Suspicious Minds," and died on the toilet eating a sandwich. In our only true upset of the first round, the bimbo prevails! WINNER: JAMIE KING
So our final four is all set, except that the earlier double-elimination really makes it a final three. Which is okay, because it helps the publishers of The Missing LiNK avoid an ugly legal battle over the unlicensed use of the term "Final Four," for which the NCAA waterboards people. Anyway, that means Martin Luther King automatically advances to the final to face the winner of Burger King vs, Jamie King.
Appropriately, the hot blond is the Cinderella of this year's bracket. As her picture indicates, Jamie has rarely if ever eaten at Burger King, and her unfamiliarity with her opponent costs her. She tries to impress him by saying she was in a movie with Hollywood Fairy Tale Comeback Kid Mickey Rourke, but the fast food giant reminds her that she co-starred with the old, wannabe-boxer semi-retarded Mickey Rourke, and even Don Johnson can claim that. Bye-bye, blondie. WINNER: BK
The finals are set. Dr. Martin Luther King vs. Burger King for all the marbles.
Once Elvis was bounced, it was a virtual certainty that these two titans would lock up in the finals. Both have obvious name recognition, a loyal following and a rich, storied history. The early Vegas money was heavily on Dr. King, but the pressure of being the favorite may have gotten to the right reverend. Martin Luther King made a career out of speaking for the little guy. Being the voice of the minority. But now, in the role of favorite, he's out of his element. Meanwhile, Burger King spent many years playing second fiddle to MacDonald's, so this contest is right in his wheelhouse. Burger King was dishing out steady punishment, so Dr. King pulled out his secret weapon. "I had a dream," said Dr. King, and everyone rose, anticipating that he was about to rally back and crush BK. But Dr. King took a long look at BK and finished his sentence..."I had a dream. I had a dream that I was being chased by a scary plastic monarch with a giant creepy plastic head. I had a dream he gave me a burger and it made me crap for 3 hours. A really bad, sloppy, painful shit. It hurt my ass, it hurt my, great God almighty it hurt my ass." And with that, Dr. King yielded to Burger King, and the tournament was over. WINNER AND CHAMPION: BURGER KING!
Congratulations to Burger King and all of the 2009 competitors. Come back next year for another dumb fucking bracket, courtesy of The Missing LiNK.
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