Urination Conversation Exploration.

Earlier this week, a co-worker and I ended up using adjoining urinals. An awkward silence permeated the air (though I don't think that's what the smell was) as we both silently completed the task at hand (insert your own bad bathroom-themed "at hand" joke here). He even acknowledged as we washed up that he was thinking of the appropriate conversation starter but couldn't think of one that would deflect the awkwardness of the moment, so we said nothing.

This started me thinking about A) whether it's okay to chit chat while dropping down the old number one, and B) how to do do elegantly. Here are some suggestions on how to tackle this always awkward situation.

ACCEPTABLE: (casual nod) "Hey."
UNACCEPTABLE: (point and giggle) "Ooooh, penis!"

ACCEPTABLE: "I'll see you at the meeting later"
UNACCEPTABLE: "I'll see you...hey, why is my hand all wet? Goddam, my aim is awful."

ACCEPTABLE: (slight head turn) "How's it going?"
UNACCEPTABLE: (full body turn) "Does this mole look a bit like Sarah Jessica Parker to you?"

ACCEPTABLE: (sarcastic) "We have to stop meeting like this."
UNACCEPTABLE: (earnestly) "Funny, I don't remember eating asparagus."

ACCEPTABLE: "See the game last night?"
UNACCEPTABLE: "See The Real Housewives of New Jersey last night?"

ACCEPTABLE: "Hello, [person's name]."
UNACCEPTABLE: "I love you."

Also, as a blanket rule, any offer or solicitation to "cross streams," "tap for each other," or "turn your head and cough" would all be frowned upon.

Memorize these rules. Learn them. Live them. Love them. One doesn't have to be the loneliest number.