Shenanigans

Okay, so whenever I feel like someone or something is just complete bullshit, I feel it's my civic duty to call "shenanigans." This will be a recurring bit here on The Missing LiNK, mostly because I hate being bullshitted.

CULPRIT: Dick Cheney
CHARGES: faking an injury, emotional manipulation for sympathy, attention-grabbing, impersonating a fat Professor X
SHENANIGAN LEVEL: 5 purely on speculation, 9 if it's ever proven

So, when I was a kid, I was playing baseball and I basically butchered a catch on a line drive that I should have caught. I ran towards the ball, but my faulty depth perception made sure I'd be well short of it. In a last gasp effort, I half-dove for the ball, stumbling like Stephen Hawking on roller skates. The ball went clear by me for a home run. Not only did I blow the play, but I looked ridiculous in the process. Using an impressive combination of quick thinking and utter cowardice, I writhed around on the ground for a while in pain. Was I hurt? A little. But my ego was mortally wounded. So I played the sympathy card so everyone would be more worried if I was okay than they were about my epic misplay. A secondary benefit was that all the attention was on me (I went for that a lot growing up) and not on the heroic homer hitter.

Why do I bring this up? Because I'm accusing our former Vice President of pulling the same exact crap. On a day where our country, and the world, gathered to inaugurate Barack Obama and usher in hope while ushering out the stench of Bush (insert obvious douche joke here), Mr. Cheney arrived at the event in a wheelchair. Do I know for a fact that the man didn't need one? Of course not. I'll even go so far as to offer a sincere apology and a "get well soon" if he is genuinely in pain. But seriously, now...packing and unpacking his own boxes? By an old man who has had people doing shit for him (both legally and illegally) for at least 8 years? I'm just not buying it. I find it FAR more likely that the man realized that relative to the bright light of optimism, his lopsided snarl and "to hell with you" attitude would come across like he was one of the hellish shadow creatures from "Ghost." I say that after using the Constitution like his personal diaper for so long, he thought people may judge him harshly as he heads out the door. So, 'what to do,' wonders the man who was recently quoted as saying "I don't understand why so few people like me" (HINT: people don't like you precisely for uttering statements like "I don't understand why so few people like me"). Cheney's solution? Garner false sympathy by showing up to the event in a freaking wheelchair. And, just like me lying on that field, Mr. Cheney enjoyed the side benefit of having the attention, which was fittingly on the history-making event around him, briefly diverted in his direction. So, to sum up, nice job, Dick.

Upon reviewing all the facts, or in this case, my blatant presumptions and opinions with zero proof, I officially say to you, Mr. Cheney: SHENANIGANS!