Tonight's feature: "D-Bags at K-Mart"
OPEN on a seemingly innocuous checkout counter at a local K-Mart. On line is SERENA WILLIAMS with a canister of Planter's Cheese Balls.
CHECKOUT GIRL: That'll be $4.99.
SERENA: (after very long pause) You know what, fuck you. They are only $3.99. I swear to God, I'm going to open this can and cram these balls down your fucking throat. I'm serious.
The checkout girl proceeds to consult her Manager.
MANAGER: I'm sorry ma'am, but it's right here in our circular. It's in print and 100% verifiably true that they're $4.99. Only an ignorant, disrespectful, self-aggrandizing good-for-nothing dick who refused to actually read what he was angry about would make a scene in complete defiance of empirical printed evidence.
Enter JOE WILSON.
JOE: You lie!
MANAGER: Sir, that's completely unacceptable behavior.
JOE: You're right. I'm sorry-ish. Now give me the contents of your register.
CHECKOUT GIRL: (looks back at SERENA) I feel threatened.
SERENA: I didn't threaten you. I thought maybe you liked cheese balls and would find it pleasurable to have 5 or 6 dozen of them forcably rammed into your cake-hole.
MANAGER: (holds up can of cheese balls) Ma'am, the price is $4.99.
Enter KANYE WEST, taking all others by surprise and grabbing the cheese balls from the Manager.
KANYE: Yo, it's all cool and whatnot, and Planter's Cheese Balls are so talented, but Jax Cheese Balls are like the best cheese balls ever. Oh, and George Bush hates black people. I'm cool! Pay attention to me! PEACE OUT!
KANYE drops the can of cheese balls like a microphone he's done with and walks off, stumbling as if possibly drunk off his fucking ass.
Close curtain.
Aaaaaaaaaand, Scene!
Thank you for watching this episode of Masterdouche Theater. Because if there's one thing we're all sure of, it's that there are a lot of douches out there who can't help but constantly prove their d-baggery.
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