Optimal View

So it appears the modest folks over at Calvin Klein jeans have once again decided to put up another boring billboard in downtown Manhattan. The billboard depicts a topless woman in short jean shorts lying on top of one man while making out with another. Innocently enough, there is another man lying on the floor below them all with his shirt and his pants unbuttoned. If I had to guess, I would say they are in various states of undress because they are rushing to get dressed for a church social.


Anyway, there has been something of an uproar over the decency or indecency of this billboard, which is pretty much exactly what the folks at CK wanted. Newspapers, radio stations and Internet articles have been abuzz with commentary, but here at The Missing LiNK, we wanted to get insight from the person who occupies the billboard directly across the street and has the absolute best view of the faux porn ad: Optimus Prime.

TML: So, Optimus, how do you feel about this new addition to your neighborhood?

OP: Are you kidding? I've been stuck 50 yards away from that fucking SoBe lizard for a few weeks now. I was ready to make that little bastard into roadkill if someone less irritating didn't move into the area and soon. The lizard is still behind me, but he can suck my tailpipe for all I care, I get to stare at a denim orgy all day.

TML: So you like the ad?

OP: Like it? That chick is freaking hot. And that's coming from a guy who's used stealth mode to watch Megan Fox shower.

TML: But what do you say to the people who call it akin to pornography?

OP: Come on. I've spent a lot of time the last few years in L.A. Photographers for TMZ discard shots of Lindsay Lowhan passed out in a dumpster that show more objectionable bits and pieces. Seriously, does she ever wear underwear? Talk about Ironhide.

TML: Even if it isn't overtly pornographic, you have to admit that it's at least objectifying and misogynistic. Three men sharing one woman?

OP: Maybe, but they' selling a product. And it's effective advertising. If I felt that I could get a chick like that to mess around with me, Ratchet and Grimlock all at the same time just by wearing the right jeans, I'd be looking for a pair in size 18-wheeler double wide right now.

TML: So then you believe the expression "sex sells?"

OP: Hmmm...a cartoon and toy line that more or less never included a female presence gets turned into a movie and the planet's hottest female gets more screen time than the Autobots and Decepticons combined. You tell me.

TML: Good point. And they're really aren't too many female Transformers, are there?

OP: Eventually there were a few, but nothing to brag about. I kept pitching the Hasbro guys on new characters like the Sluttobots and the Skankticons, but they refused to listen.

TML: Lastly, what of the families who live in that neighborhood and have to see the CK billboard everyday. What do they tell their kids?

OP: Tell them Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen opens June 24th at a theater near you. Transformer lunchboxes, knapsacks, action figures, underwear, toothbrushes, prosthetic limbs and colonial era apothecary tables available upon request.

TML: Optimus, thanks for your time.

OP: Word.