Anyway, why am I back now? Here's why. My boss recently brought to my attention a movie trailer he found online. The movie, based on title and premise alone, seems innocuous enough. Then I watched the trailer. Oh. My. God. Or, better yet, WHAT. THE. FUCK?!?
But before I continue, please watch the following video. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present..."Gooby."
(Please see the receptionist on your way out for a refund on the 1:55 of your life I just sucked away.)
The sheer terribleness of this trailer hurts me in my soul. It makes me weep as I fall asleep each night. It makes my spleen hurt. I'm offended by the very notion that somewhere a script was written, liked, approved, green lit and given a budget. That they hired Eugene Levy offends me (and I actually like him, and even thought he deserved an Oscar nod for A Mighty Wind). That Robbie Coltrane attached himself to this project offends me (forever tarnishing his great work in the Harry Potter series, The Black Adder, and of course, the immortal "Let it Ride"). And the dude from J.A.G.? What, was D.B. Sweeney unavailable? Did French Stewart have a prior commitment? They may as well have googled "D-List Jackoffs" and cast the first few names that came up. To sum up...me = offended.
But simply agreeing that this all looks terrible is not enough. I think we genuinely need to dissect just why this may be the most egregiously noxious trailer ever committed to celluloid (a title previously held by the first "Inspector Gadget.")
Let's start at the top. The first thing we see is the Monterrey Media logo. No one has ever heard of Monterrey Media. The parents of the guys who founded the company probably have no clue who they are. And the art card is awful. It's made out of ripped pieces of paper and a cheesy font. An auspicious start, to say the least.
Next we see a logo for Coneybeare Stories Inc. It's never a good sign when the unknown director of a movie needs his own production company to help release it. In other words, the companies in Hollywood with actual talented people empowered to make decisions all said, "no thanks."
As the actual trailer begins, we hear the voiceover, and now I know what the guy who narrated my 7th grade health videos is doing with his life. I mean, I know Don LaFontaine is dead, but he still could have done better than this hack. Trailers, even ones for sweet family movies, need a voice like Don, or Peter Cullen, or someone who has gravitas. This guy sounds more llike he has a spastic colon. Anyway...moving on.
At this point we get to the heart of the matter, as we meet "the most ferocious monster of all," Gooby. Immediately, we see that Gooby looks like the retarded cousin of John Candy's "Barf" character from Spaceballs. If Fozzy Bear had a baby with Wicket the Ewok, we'd have Gooby. We are also treated to a reaction shot from the lead boy character that will forever go down as proof that you can recognize terrible acting in a single frame.
Congratulations, young man. Your acting career is officially over. If this were the 80's, you'd already be relegated to mysterious sleepovers at Michael Jackson's ranch.
Next, we see that the movie was honored at two film festivals. Obviously, they are prestigious, because they put palm fronds on either side of the award. They reserve those things for Cannes, and Tribeca, and...Worldfest-Houston? Wow. I mean very very very wow. That is weak. Why not put up the "Saskatoon Public Library Medal of Watchability" or "Mrs. Thurston's Second Grade Class' 8th Favorite Movie of 2009."
The next few scenes are the obligatory awful music accompanying generic scenes of the kid and his plushy running and slide and falling and hiding. And Eugene F-ing Levy with an Wolverine haircut and bowtie. Aaaaaaannnnd....speechless. I honestly have no clue what to say to that. (Cue tear rolling down my cheek like an Indian watching someone litter.) When Levy slips at the 1:03 mark and whatever was in his hand flies up into the air, I briefly contemplated suicide.
Then the reviews start to pop up. The first thing you notice os that they are in Comic Sans, a font typically reserved for people who want the most generically playful typeface imaginable. When I was in ad school, and I was a copywriter art directing my own ads, even I knew not to use something so unimaginatively lame. Of course, when you are posting reviews from such reputable sources as "VideoViews.org," "The Dove Foundation" and "NAMBLAonFILM.com," a hack font is appropriate. (P.S. one of those reviewer names is fake, you guess which one.)
And finally, we are greeted with a title card that, as one would expect, is as cloyingly sickly sweet and horrendously unappealing as every second of the trailer that preceded it. All told, it was simply hideous. A travesty of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of a sham.
But I always hate it when people critique my work but offer nothing constructive or helpful. Never let it be said that I am one who criticizes without offering a positive suggestion. Recast the title role. Reshoot the movie. And you don't need a list of potential names to play Gooby. Hell, you don't even need one name. All you need is one letter. "T."
There. Now THAT's a Gooby I'd pay to see.
Well, that's my post. It certainly does feel good to be back blogging again. Nothing makes me feel better than spending 45 minutes writing about how much I regret wasting 2 minutes of my life on a bad trailer. Look out Interwebs, I'm back!
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