Understanding Boat Names

Every morning, my train into the city briefly travels across the bay near my house. Many times I'll see small fishing boats looking to reel in the early morning catch. Often, like today, I'll notice that boat owners name their boat after a women, presumably a wife or daughter. I find this curious, seeing as how there are many unflattering connections and connotations that can be drawn. Let's use today's boat, "MY JOANNE," as an example.

"How can I get that fishy smell off of My Joanne."

"I wonder how many sailors can fit in My Joanne?"

"I once crammed 8 rods in the back of My Joanne."

"I hired an expert to plug the hole in My Joanne."

"Before a long day of fishing, I frequently take a shit on My Joanne."

"My Joanne has plenty of gas."

and, of course, "I let three friends come on My Joanne with me last week."

So, seafaring men of the world, I ask you to pause and give thought the next time you name your new boat. That way, when you say "My Joanne went down last night," you can say it happily.

Spidey fights back!

A few weeks ago, TML featured a post about Mob Taint. Well, it's seems that the forces of good are fighting fire with fire. This week I stumbled upon this vintage ad featuring Spider-Man. It appears he has a secret weapon against taint.

(actual advertisement from 1977)

That's right evil-doers. If you bring your malevolent taint into our city, Spidey will...well, the picture says it all.

Now, how exactly Spidey plans to do this is a mystery, but we here at TML have hypothesized that it involves some combination of web-fluid, pickle brine and an unnamed substance culled from the Hulk's septic tank.

Anyway Spidey, keep up the good work!

(click to enlarge and read what the original ad SHOULD have said.)

R.I.P. Patrick Swayze

When Patrick Swayze (I like to call him, "The Swaze." No, wait, no I don't) passed away earlier this week, all I could think was that a semi-celebrity cheezy actor has died. But when I actually thought about it, I realized he was a pretty legit star who made a serious imprint on pop culture for over two decades. If for no other reason than the SNL Chippendale's skit with Chris Farley, Swayze will be warmly remembered by men and women alike. I also think that Swayze helped usher in the very notion of the chick flick. Sure, there were other movies before him, but the one-two punch of "Dirty Dancing" in 1987 and "Ghost" in 1990 pretty much cemented the genre. Then it occurred to me that you could categorize almost all of Swayze's work into genres like this, so I did.






(NOTE: I didn't overlook "Next of Kin," I just think that's a movie no one should admit to having seen and it was an embarrassment for everyone involved. At least as I remember it. Shit...I just admitted...never mind.)

Masterdouche Theater

And lo, there shall be a place where only the pinnacles of doucheism will be able to come and hone their craft, and it shall be called...



Tonight's feature: "D-Bags at K-Mart"

OPEN on a seemingly innocuous checkout counter at a local K-Mart. On line is SERENA WILLIAMS with a canister of Planter's Cheese Balls.

CHECKOUT GIRL: That'll be $4.99.

SERENA: (after very long pause) You know what, fuck you. They are only $3.99. I swear to God, I'm going to open this can and cram these balls down your fucking throat. I'm serious.

The checkout girl proceeds to consult her Manager.

MANAGER: I'm sorry ma'am, but it's right here in our circular. It's in print and 100% verifiably true that they're $4.99. Only an ignorant, disrespectful, self-aggrandizing good-for-nothing dick who refused to actually read what he was angry about would make a scene in complete defiance of empirical printed evidence.

Enter JOE WILSON.

JOE: You lie!

MANAGER: Sir, that's completely unacceptable behavior.

JOE: You're right. I'm sorry-ish. Now give me the contents of your register.

CHECKOUT GIRL: (looks back at SERENA) I feel threatened.

SERENA: I didn't threaten you. I thought maybe you liked cheese balls and would find it pleasurable to have 5 or 6 dozen of them forcably rammed into your cake-hole.

MANAGER: (holds up can of cheese balls) Ma'am, the price is $4.99.

Enter KANYE WEST, taking all others by surprise and grabbing the cheese balls from the Manager.

KANYE: Yo, it's all cool and whatnot, and Planter's Cheese Balls are so talented, but Jax Cheese Balls are like the best cheese balls ever. Oh, and George Bush hates black people. I'm cool! Pay attention to me! PEACE OUT!

KANYE drops the can of cheese balls like a microphone he's done with and walks off, stumbling as if possibly drunk off his fucking ass.

Close curtain.

Aaaaaaaaaand, Scene!

Thank you for watching this episode of Masterdouche Theater. Because if there's one thing we're all sure of, it's that there are a lot of douches out there who can't help but constantly prove their d-baggery.

Organized Crime at Their Nastiest

First, let me start by once again apologizing for the lengthy time between posts. I didn't post a single thing in the month of August, and for that I am ashamed. But I promise to pick up the pace, starting right now.

This morning as I walked to work, the cover of today's New York Post caught my eye. You can see why...


Seriously, of all the despicable, low-down, underhanded, illegal, violent, mean, dastardly things the mob has done, I never thought they'd resort to "torture by taint." I've seen all the Godfather films, Goodfellas, Casino - hell, even My Blue Heaven - and I don't remember anything like that. Horse's head is one things. Mobster's ABC (ass-ball connection) is another.




Maybe it's a good thing The Sopranos when off the air when--.

Putting the "dumb" in "dumbfounded."

I know there are a million blogs and Internet postings dedicated to people who spell shit wrong, but when you see a wondrous sight like this on the lamppost immediately outside the door to your own building, it MUST be posted. I found this truly dumbfounding. Just, well...wow.



I tried to translate, but I'd need Indiana Jones and top secret decryption software to make a dent. Here's what I think is being said...

Reals = Reels
W.W.II Ideam = ????
Jewlery = Jewelry
ac air condistoner = air conditioner (making the letters "ac" redundant)
nic, nacs = knickknacks

They could have used this letter in A Clockwork Orange instead of ludovico. Hold someone's eyes open and make them read this. Instant mushbrain.

My humblest apologies.

11 days between posts is completely unacceptable. I apologize to all the people (person? torture victim? guy who reads all blogs for the CIA?) out there who read (stumble upon? are forcibly subjected to?) The Missing Link. To help make amends for posting so infrequently, here is a brand spanking new edition of Sublime Nonsense. Enjoy!